Gabriel's Tell A Tale Emporium

I haven't really cried anytime in recent memory until tonight. It was t one of those shed a few tears and its over cries either. It was one of those cries that come from a place between my stomach and my lungs where I always feel the deepest emotions. It was strong. Really strong. It all stemmed from a song, Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men. The good thing that came from this is I know exactly what I'm gonna do now regardless of my fear. I'm coming for you. I'm gonna make it work. Gabriel Janas

I'm afraid to risk it, but I'm also afraid not to. If I'm wrong I could destroy all the progress we've made. I forgot how easy it was just to be around you and how much I enjoy it. For now I'll wait and see and hope the right time and the right signs present themselves to me.

The modern Christmas is a time for consumerism, parties, corporate greed, stimulating an economy, getting drunk and all sorts of perverse things. To many people it is the time for giving and holiday cheer. A time for acting like all is right in the world as a whole and in each of our own private worlds. It is also a time to celebrate the religious belief of the birth of our saviour Jesus Christ. Christmas is so many things. To me, now more than ever, it is a time for good food and especially for family and friends. It is a time to be cherished and to cherish. A lot of people go through life without true friendship and many go through every single day with out family. It breaks my already fragile heart to think about it. Maybe that is why we as people need this time so badly. Maybe this is why it is ok to pretend that our lives and the world are ok for a few days, or even a few moments. Maybe it's ok to spend excessively on things we don't need, to give to one another though

Nights are the fucking worst. I can't sleep because I know I'm lonely. And I can't just go around having casual sex these days or even dating a girl I'm not all that interested in so I make my situation a thousand times worse. What the hell is wrong with me?

My friend Anthony is working on a wicked Christmas present for his nieces and nephew. Basically he is doing a role playing quest to find keys to unlock a treasure. He asked me to help him write a poem for the map that he is making for them. I hardly write anything child appropriate but I was so impressed with this idea I thought I should give this a shot. I had so much fun writing it and figuring out the rhyme scheme that I just had to share it on my blog. This is what came out: In a castle made of stone there lived three children all alone. Two were princesses beautiful and fair. The third a knight, brave and faster than a hare. They found a map one day it seems, it said " follow me to find the Keys to a treasure beyond your wildest dreams. But beware and try not to scream! For this hunt is not as easy as it may seem. First make for the high mountains of old and face a dragon that shall make your blood run cold. Head to the wise old forest next, and seek the immortal e

We've chosen silence and kept it viciously...until now.

Dirt on all of my fingers, but fuck that I'm not worried. Even though it's eye for an eye, I still take a moment to find who they are inside...then I blast them if it comes down to it. Heaven must have known it. Fate took me here. But where do I go from here? You know my deepest desire. Can I possibly do it? Is this the time? Promise not to talk if it doesn't happen. Promise not to tempt me again. All I really want is some mercy here. Help me get it done. I've wanted it for so long. Maybe I have a chance. Maybe I can finally take over and make my heart dance.

The ink from my pen bleeds, my heart is burning. It's hungry. It wants to feed. So many chances. So many women. All a chance to be happy. But I can't be happy until I get that one out of my head or make her mine. Either way, trying will probably end up with me being dead. I need to be fed. Gabriel Janas

I've stayed up past midnight, I've seen your face. I've been up past one a.m., I've felt your embrace. Just past two a.m., I've watched you leave. The clocks just changed to two minutes past three, And I lay and I wonder when you'll come back to me. Four minutes past four I mourn for the one that I adore. It's half past five and I wonder if I will ever again feel alive. Gabriel Janas

Confidence is always the key. But tonight I can't find it for the life of me. Try as I might I toss and turn. Willing the universe to provide me with what I yearn. Gabriel Janas

The intellectual part of me sits here and studies, while the rest of me tries to tame the animal inside. Concentration is the prize. This is a war neither of us will survive. Gabriel Janas

Still waiting on that one that is exceptional in my eyes. Doesn't mean you're perfect. It just means you're so beautiful with all the flaws included. Gabriel Janas

I haven't felt peaceful in so long. I don't remember what it's like anymore. The constant striving to better myself is all I have. It is everything. Day in and day out. I have my friends and my family. I love them all. I wish I could show them how much more often. Sitting here and trying to better the memories and appreciate each day for its fullness. I fall short some days. I'll get there one day though. Then this loneliness will be a distant memory. A ghost to keep me working hard and keep me humble. Gabriel Janas

I saw the writing on the wall. She is yours it said. It was written in fire. It burned so bright. The heat was immense, yet I did not burn to a cinder. I turned to my left and there you sat radiant as the light played about you. I haven't seen your face for a thousand years. But I see you now as if I've seen you yesterday and every day prior to that. Gabriel Janas

Have you ever met anyone in your life that you just found so addicting? No matter how long they've been gone you've missed hearing their voice? You missed being around them? Gabriel Janas

Today I walked into the uppermost floors of Rutherford Library at the University of Alberta. Prior to entering I noticed a sign on the door that read "you are now entering a quiet area." "Yeah. Right." I thought. All the quiet areas I've been to in the past were never truly quiet. I opened the blue door and stepped into another world and another life time. The silence of the place hit me so suddenly as if I had just stepped into the presence of a divinity. It was heavy, and ever present. It felt ancient. I looked to my left to get my bearings on the sensation when my eyes finally saw the place as it was. This one floor contained what seemed like an endless rows of books. I was a little awe struck. I got this slow, smouldering sensation in the pit of my stomach. It was the same sensation I would assume ancient scholars would get when walking into the Great Library at Alexandria. I felt as if I had stepped into a holy place and the presence of the deity who was wo

I feel it again. From my brain to my core. Hands far older than my own have taken hold of my mind. The touch of destiny. The touch of God. Everything will be all right. Gabriel Janas

Though I am where I need to be, tonight is one of those nights that just get to me. It's cold outside and dark to boot. My smouldering anger isn't enough tonight to keep me warm , my gun is empty. Nothing to shoot. I'm tired. My heart feels sluggish. The reality of a cold winter alone has me fantasizing about better days. Give it a day. I know it will pass. For now though, all I can do is reminisce about the past. For me, winter is truly here. Gabriel Janas

It's just one of those nights that make me sigh with vexation. All I want to do is reach over to the one I love, cuddle up and relax a little. Then I remember there is no one there and I remember why. Le sigh. Gabriel Janas

Sometimes I'm afraid to blink. It's like if I close my eyes you will disappear. I fear sleep for when I close my eyes I am afraid I will awaken from this dream. It's surreal sometimes. I have my thoughts and I think I know. For these moments it's worth every single second of riding solo. I'm waiting for the moment when the truth will reveal itself. It will enable a wonderful life or keep me on this path of constant searching. Gabriel Janas

I wonder what happens when two comets cross paths? Do they slow down to say hello? I know that it's not scientifically possible, but humour me for awhile. Do they notice one another? Were they just dancing about the stars aiming for one another the whole time? Do they even care about the other? Were their paths meant to cross again and again? What will happen to them? Will they shoot off together, inseparable and eternal? Or are they only meant to shine brightly to one another in that moment? Are people like comets? Time can only tell what the passages of these bright speeding souls will bring. Time is all they have. Gabriel Janas

Every time I walk by the kitchen I see your smiling face hanging on the fridge. You were like my own private Obi-wan Kenobi. You were a good neighbour and a fantastic man. I'm glad to have known you for the time that I did. Thank you for those talks in your garage. I never got to tell you that in person. You've been gone for awhile now but your memory is still fresh in my mind. I hope you're resting in peace and love. Thank you Al. God Bless. Gabriel Janas

The slow day by day grind will produce the most delicious fruits in time. Gabriel Janas

Driving in this fog feels like driving through the fog of my life. I can only see a few feet in front of me. I don't know what's coming around the corner. It could be anything. That very thought once scared me, but not anymore. Life has surprised me lately. Both in ways unpleasant as well as pleasant. I really can't wait to make my way through the fog and see the clear road ahead. I wonder who will be sitting in the passenger seat when that time comes? Where will we be heading? Does it matter? Gabriel Janas

It was more than I remembered and it was more than I could ever forget. You're more beautiful than my memories. Your laugh was like bells ringing in the night, ominous and joyfully familiar. The conversation came with ease. Not once did I feel forced to speak that which I did not believe. Not once did I feel my attention waver. It was certainly all eyes on you. It was comfortable yet new. My nerves disappeared with your mere presence. You have given me a great gift, the blessings of the gods surely. Though I don't sleep, I feel a slight measure of peace, one which all men strive to seek. You're vivid and clear in my mind's eye. One day I will pay it all back to you. Gabriel Janas

God I wish, nay, I pray that the one thing in the cup I was read and the stuff the card readers have told me again and again is wrong. In the area that is closest and most important of all my ambitions I seem doomed to wait and slave and hurt. That is my secret torment. That is the source of all my anger and all my problems, for nothing is more dear to my fractured heart. Not a damn thing. Gabriel Janas

Everyday plays itself out. Time ticks by. Time wasted. I never seem to have enough time, especially for the things that matter. Mind full of sick thoughts and I ain't going back to playing it off like its all good. It just another way to waste time. What's wrong with going after what I want? It doesn't really matter who gets in my way these days. Friend or foe, no mercy in the bank, I'm straight broke. Tired of the strain of the pain, other people getting what I want when they straight lame. The beautiful thing is though time is wasted it's still on my side. With nothing to lose time can only bring everything within my grasp. I'll let them suckers play themselves out. They'll make the mistakes I know they will. When that happens all I have to do is reach out and grasp it all cause y'all never really had it. It's just on loan. You're just experiencing what's mine so you'll know what your missing when it leaves you. Had to learn what I nee

Getting in that frame of mind to keep me focused. Watch my hands or you might miss the hocus-pocus. Now all I need is a tuxedo and a gun. Keeping it honest with myself, burning inside, not denying my dual sides. This should all be a lot of fun. Gabriel Janas

They tell me that dreams don't come true. Well this morning has given me proof. I've been waiting for the chance to sit with you again and just be for years. So tell me again my dreams don't come true. Then head right this way to claim your prize, a nice big fuck you.

My relationships have grown shorter and shorter over the last few years. To the point they've become one night stands. I took a year away from all of the complications and all the women to get myself right. I'm cool with me. Now everything else is overdue. I wish I could have someone who I could be close with again. That long term thing. But my face is stoic. Emotions play and I reveal a few here and there. These days I'll be good with something casual if it comes down to it, but what I really want is that person who can reach my heart and stay. Face it all. Even when the sky falls and crumbles. That stuff ain't easy but it's always worth it in the end.

Do I conquer the world or do I conquer the girl? Why not both?

I’m looking back at my bloggers site archives and man did I explode in writing this year. This is the breakdown: -2009 (3 posts)
-2010 (10 posts)
-2011 (9 posts)
-2012 (115 posts) 2012 has definitely been a turbulent year for me. So many changes and a lot more struggles than I’ve dealt with in the past. The difference between this year and years past is that it isn’t as bad because of the writing. Writing helps me get emotions and thoughts out on to paper (or the screen in this case). It helps me to see patterns and to give words to intuitive leaps I have about people and situations. It makes the ground more firm beneath my feet. One day I hope to look back on this blog as a successful artist and say “This is how it all began."

"How old do you think I am?" "I don't know. But I definitely didn't think you were 24." "It must be the beard and the face." "No. You look young physically. You just seem older. I don't really know why." The first...maybe the second thought that came into my mind after waking up today was the conversation above. This took place on Wednesday and its just sinking into my brain now. I think my soul is from a different age. I feel older than my years, and antiquated at times. Don't get me wrong, I have an extremely open mind, but some of the things I believe in seem to come from somewhere in the past. I remember now a tarot reading I had done over a year ago. The man said to me I would have been better living off in the time of the Renaissance or Ancient Greece. He said I would fit in a lot easier and be happier there. I think he was right. These two memories now only stir the questions of why am I here and what is my pur

Just another 3 a.m. in my bed. My thoughts weighing down my head. It's like I don't write anything happy these days cause it's hard to be truly happy in all things on the best days. At least I don't go negative. I can't blame the world. I can't blame other people. I can only push through the madness, strife. I can only push on through this life. It's gotta give sometime. There's no time like the present to air out my problems. Things that rob me of sleep. These things use to be buried deep. My stoic face now gives way to emotion. Can't play poker now with it even if I wanted to. Good at my game but I'm still behind. Every day on this endless grind has my mind uneasy. Just need someone to release me from this burden. Hurting so long that pain barley registers on my radar. I feel it for a second, accept it for what it is and keep pushing. Stubborn as hell. I ain't living well. But I'm still writing my story, and if it gets better only time

Smoking my pipe. Shoulders feeling heavy. This weight is ripe. I can only hope it bears fruit. Too tired of coming in second. For years it's been dormant, but itching. Now that it's unleashed along with this anger I fear for those who get in my way. They're in danger. I can no longer suppress my fire. Nor do I want to. I'm smouldering slowly. This duality of not giving a fuck and caring all at once has me going a little mad. Through all the trying times I've become more bad. The stress has me trippin at times, wanting paper, flashy rides, and flawless dimes. I give more than I get in return. It's said he who gives it all will one day be returned all ten fold. I feel like I'm on my last days in prison. Parol only a few moments away. I'm going mad. I've did my time and then some. I want out.

Laying on my bedroom floor I can't help but think what does life have in store for me? I know I'm blessed. Heavenly honours given to me above others. But only in time. Everything is suppose to really take off for me when I'm 30, so I've been told. The love of another will always be my most dearest desire and my hardest road. Ali said it. It ain't the first time I've heard it. He is just the most recent to read my future. Waiting for it all to happen while trying to make it come sooner makes this world feel so cold at times. I want to make a difference. I want to leave a positive mark on this world before I go. Until I get to what I want there can never be lasting peace. This I know.

My bed smells like nightmares. The sweat and the fear role off of it in waves. It's almost overpowering. I lay my head down and begin to dream. I'm chasing something. The corridor is pitch. If I stretch out my hands to either side I can lay both palms flat against the cold stone walls. But I can not linger for I can hear what I chase. I smell what I seek. I run after my prey with the bloodlust of a man possessed. The room inverts and reverses. The positions change. I'm the one being hunted. How did things get this way? No time to stop and think. Run. I must run. I can hear the boots crashing behind me. It's close. I run faster. Stomp. It's getting closer. My leg begins to cramp. Stomp. Stomp. It's closer now... Oh God help me... Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. I can't beat it. I got to face it. That's the only way to survive. Stomp. Then silence. The blackness is closing in. The very air feels heavy and oppressive. It's too hot in her

We ain't shit with our our homeboyz. Tupac said it. Ain't it true? I'm glad I got a home boy like you. Love you Norbert.

Play your cards right. Life ain't a game of poker. It's a black jack flop. What are you betting? Is it your heart? Is it your soul? Is it your right to self-determination? Is it your standards? What have you got to lose? What have you got to gain? Are you ready to risk it? I am. I've been playing this game for a long time. I've only gotten better. i just forgot how to be the darker side of myself. Light and dark combine in me now. I have come full circle.Patience is always the key. That's all it took. You got to play your cards right. Wait for the flop. Are you all in?

I can not figure out what I'm doing wrong lately. It's like I'm missing some piece that I use to have. I think I need to go back to being more of an asshole cause this whole trying to be a better person thing isn't getting me anywhere.

Do guys get insecure? Sure they do. Are we tall enough? Are we cool enough? What does that guy have that I don't? Why am I always getting friend-zoned? Am not good enough to be with you? Am I making enough money? Is my car the latest and greatest? Am I good in bed? Am I good man? Am I a good father, husband, boyfriend, son, brother? Will I be able to provide for her? We don't talk about it. We know we are expected to behave a certain way by our peers and society. When we do end up talking about these things to women their perceptions of us switch so subtly that they can't even explain why they use to like us but not anymore. It's everything that's anti-masculine. Well guys are insecure too at times ladies. It's just as hard trying to learn to be a man in this day and age, as the definition of a man seems to change all the time. So don't worry ladies. We won't talk about it. It's not worth it.

Ok. Open up your mind and listen for a minute. Take them shades off, let me see your eyes untinted. Why are you sitting there alone? Why are your eyes as cold as stone? What's on your mind kid? What's causing your pain? Is it something that I did? Or is your soul corroded? Has your heart exploded, unable to feel love anymore? Got a girl on your mind? I know something ain't right in you, it hasn't felt right for a long time I'm guessing. Tell me youngin what's got you stressing. What's so bad that you can't see all of your God given blessings? You ain't hungry. You got a roof over your head. You got a mom who loves you and a brother who would do anything for you. You seem less alive, it's like you're almost dead. Or are you just bidding your time, getting your head right, making sure your passion is fed? Is this what it means to be a Silent Assassin, not a word of recognition spoken. I'm asking you seriously my brother, I'm not doing t

I realized today how big a part music plays in my life. The world was so mundane. I mean straight boring today. The sounds of my life really define my moods and my actions everyday. I forgot my headphone in the morning and the rest of the day was just pure madness. It doesn't make today's suck go away completely but my music does complete me. Thank you to all my favourite artists and thank you to God for the gifts of hearing and music.

Bored out of my mind. Trying to pass the time. Wish I could experience that transcendent moment, trying to feel the sublime. It only lasts a second. You can't even think about it. It just happens. The minute you try to grasp it, the feeling slips through your fingers like sand. It could come at any moment, just like the passing of a breeze. You could get it from a gentle kiss or even when you sneeze. I want to feel it. Anything to occupy this empty space in the night. Seems like I'm just fighting another losing fight.

I'm headed home. I'm almost there. To my surprise there is an unusual sound in the air. "aaaaa....." I strain to hear it. The street lights along the road begin to flicker. "aaaaaaaaaa...." I begin to feel a sense of dread. Something is very wrong about this night. "What do you want?!" I yell out the window. "What are you trying to tell me?!" "Aaaaaaaaallll....." Frustrated, I yell even louder, "What do you want from me?!!" The light all go out with one big POP! Darkness. I slam on the breaks of my car. I can't see a thing. "What the fuck do you want from me?" I whisper. Now I'm afraid. Right then the darkness decides to answer back. A high pitched voice, older than the hands of time shrieks, "ALONE!" Jumping back into my seat, I cringe a little from fear and the strangeness of it all. "What did you say?" I ask timidly. "Alone," the the shrill

Sexual orientation. Are you straight? Are you gay? What's the big deal? Does it really matter? Does a persons sexual orientation make them any less of a person? Is gay marriage wrong? Is it worshiping Satan or will it cause the end of the world? God hates the gays? It all doesn't really matter. Some of the coolest people I know are gay. Male and female. I'm all good with it. So what's stopping the ignorant in our society from just seeing gay people as people? They are human like you or me. To all those men and women who have been brave enough to come out in a society that condemns you for wanting to be with someone from the same sex, I take my hat off to you. It don't matter what your orientation is. You're still my friends.

Everybody seems to have someone. Or at least they are working on having someone. As for me, I just watch it all and feel the black hole sucking in my essence. It's one of those nights where I just can't help but lose a little hope for myself. I'll just sit back with a smile and a laugh. It's all I can do. If I let the dark hole surface on my face I'll have a hard time smiling again and it would ruin everyone else's night. Let the happy and excited be as they be. As for me...well I'll just wait and see.

This is what it's all about. Good place. Good people. Good times. The better side of life.

Sitting here above the crowd of people rushing by I begin to understand this is how the kings of old must have felt an how the most powerful men and women of our day feel. It's lonely at the top and that ain't no lie. I guess that's why we all look for a connection wherever we can get it and for as long as we can hold on to it. This moment will pass soon, but in this moment I truly understand.

In the crowd, yet still separate. A room full of people, yet I still find time to be alone. When I'm sick or just feeling straight off is when I feel the keen sting of my separateness the most. How to temper the cold bite of this loneliness?

Only human. Some shit I don't want to see. Only human. Some shit I see hurts me. Only human. I keep a straight face. I'm better at that now. Only human. Puff a cloud and try not to think about it. Only human. It's been so long since I've been up out it. Only human. Yet it feels like yesterday. Only human. Has it really been that long? Only human. All girls are the same these days. Only human. Generic and bland, I just can't find one to get away. Only human. It's a vicious circle. Only human. Always at the first square. Only human. Yet I'm further from there. Only human. I've gone deeper. Only human. I care more, no longer the heartless sleeper. Only human. I was never really heartless. Only human. I cared too much. Only human. And it scared the hell out of me. Only human. Probably why I find most women plain. Only human. This quest probably already has me insane. Only human. Just universal. Only human. Elemental.

Laying back in bed I already know its one of those nights where I'm going to question everything in an around my life. I guess I could attribute it to two of my close friends who called me today to share some news of their own lives. The first, my best friend since high school and one of the few people in this world who is so kind hearted and sweet that you could never wish any harm on him, called to tell me that he lost his job today. He said to me, "I'm just so tired of searching. I look and look and I can never find [a job] I am happy in. I spent all that time in university, I killed myself for that degree and its basically useless. I got a job with it and in the field I studied, but I either hate it or something happens that I have to look for a new job. I'm just tired." After much talking and some reassurances, planning, and honest advice on my part, we came up with a plan for him to follow and parted with him in slightly better spirits than when he contac

Walking the streets at night with the crisp autumn air as my company is one of my favourite things. There is something about this time of year and the night that makes me want to walk and reflect. The music helps too. So far I've gone through Liberian Girl, Dirty Diana, The Boy's Gone, Never Think, You ain't Missing Nothing and F.A.M.E. . I don't know what it is about nights like tonight but the feeling I get from them alway remind me of a turning point. Something big is headed my way. Whether its good or bad I don't know. I think it's good though. It's on these rare nights with all the reflection of my life that I feel momentarily peaceful, and for the man who is always seeking it peace is a rare gift, even if it is only for tonight.

A truth that's told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent. - William Blake To see a world in a grain of sand and heaven in a wild flower Hold infinity in the palms of your hand and eternity in an hour.- William Blake Opposition is true friendship- William Blake One thought fills immensity. -William Blake No one should be ashamed to admit they are wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that they are wiser today than they were yesterday.-Alexander Pope No woman ever hates a man for being in love with her, but many a woman hate a man for being a friend to her.- Alexander Pope Trust not yourself, but your defects to know, make use of every friend and every foe. -Alexander Pope True ease in writing comes from art, not chance, as those who move easiest have learned to dance- Alexander Pope I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.-Mother Teresa Friends can help each other. A true friend is so

Oh lover, so close yet so far. Rain on me, your words thunder upon my brain. Just keep going and going cause you're almost there. Oh lover when you call my name, your spark sets my soul aflame. No self control. Only one place to go from here. Don't you dare slow down. We're almost there now. I can feel you dripping, melt on me baby. Put it on my head, just lose yourself. Go lover, soft and slow. Too bad you're a dream. Every time I wake up I got nothing to show.

The leaves dance upon the street. A rainbow of reds, greens and yellows. They fall and say to one another "Let us make our return to the earth memorable. If we must fall, let us fall with style."

As a man it's fundamentally important that you should feel secure when you're alone. You need to be cool with the feeling. You got to be your own best company. I've always been good at being alone and I spend a lot of time by myself. This is how I recharge. Lately though, being alone-for lack of a better term- is lonely as hell. Where ever I go I see couples holding hands, kissing and just enjoying one another's company. God do I miss that. So bad. It's eating away at me bit by bit. I feel this insatiable hunger for someone to share my everyday with. I'm ok with being vulnerable, but I just can't open up to anyone in that way anymore. I haven't dated or slept with anyone in a year now. My closest friends know this. I can not connect with women on that level these days. It's not that I can't, or am incapable. I even meet lots of people with a good majority of them being girls. I really thought that when school started that I could finally meet a

I've always loved the dark corners and secret places. A little world of private spaces. A place to think. A place to feel. Sometimes just a place to be; a place to heal. One person's gossip is another's catharsis. Another's catharsis is one persons pain. We all deal with stress differently. Sometimes we learn new ways, we evolve. Sometimes we aren't as evolved as we thought. We are just primates after all. We are ruled by our emotions. No matter how logical we claim or appear to be. We all have a philosophy whether or not we admit it. Some of us feel like we are invincible. Some of us just want the world to end. Some of us live life with no regard to others. Others die inside every time something bad happens to one of us. Some of us love to cause others pain. Others cause pain to some of us because they love us. Whatever happens... Live, love, laugh, fight, cry, hurt, heal, feel and fly free. Be the things I sometimes forget to be.

Late nights and quiet thoughts, reflecting on all that I have wrought. How come you remain my inspiration? Why are you still the first thing I see in my mind when I think of my motivations? It's easier to act like I don't care and be civil because losing you again would be irreversible. I'm sure I could take it, but I just don't want to let you go. What could I do from a greater distance than we are at now to build a new bridge to your shore? I don't think I'll ever lay down and die, no I won't go easy. This time everything doesn't seem as desperate. It's not life or death. It's not all or nothing. I have you here in your own way and that's all I need to build something wonderful. I am patient.

I want your million dollar soul. I want that smile that is more precious than gold. I want the untouchable might of heaven with every touch of your fingers. I want the smell of life in the lingering scent of your passing. I want to look into the cosmos of your eyes and drift into infinite nothingness. I want to feel the thunder of your heart as your honey suckled lips press to mine. I want our bodies combined with no sense of time. I want the sublime. But what do I have to offer you?

The rooms spinning while I reread our story. The dark and the light mingle as the whispered plans echo in their former glory. A lovers tale unfinished with blank pages to be written. A lover's revenge set to strike and drain your memories, the darkness soon to be unwritten. Time ticks forward and your clock goes back. The cycle shall start anew though with a different end. So let your body go slack. Tune in to the whisper. Mountains will be moved. Two hearts will mend. You leave and never expect to return. You walked away from the one who caused your hearts greatest burn. The water from the rains will heal you soon. One day under the light of the full moon I'll take your hand once more and together in lust and love we will swoon.

As much as I have my desires and aspirations planned out in my head these days I still feel like I'm walking on a barren dirt road in some far off country. There is no life and no landmarks in sight.   Walking on this abandoned stretch of road I am constantly nagged by the desire to do right by other people and just give love. But not at the expense of being used. I am cautious. Too cautious. Sure I still take risks but never with my heart it seems. I want to be loved and give love, but I just can't seem to connect to anyone on that level anymore. Sometimes I fear that I'm broken or dysfunctional in some way in that area. I remember seeing all these happy couples walking hand in hand. A smile here. A kiss there. Yet my road is still abandoned as far as I can see. I am alone with nothing but the breeze and my thoughts. It fills me with envy. It's maddening. 

As I'm about to lay my head down to sleep I think of all the secrets within me that I keep. Never again. I say once more, but better than before. What's done is dead, time to make a new place to lay my head.  My place of sleep plus one because four or five only make me temporarily alive. Just one whether for a day or a year, if it's right it's right and it could lead to eternity my dear. So never fear and don't believe in never. I'm seen stranger things happen. Just like the weather man you'll have a hard time predicting what changes will come and which will be for the better. It maybe just another lonely night, bright lights and memory fights. But every dark night eventually brings a bright day. After chaos is balance because their is no dark without the light. Like ying and yang we will swirl around one another, a part of one in the center of the other. Time can be the greatest ally and the greatest enemy. It's kicked my ass before but today it is a

Note: The views here in expressed are strictly that of my own and the way I see the world. They may not coincide with your point of view, nor should they. If they do, well then I guess we are more alike than I thought. If not, well then they may just piss you off. I'm ok with that.  It's funny how I can feel peaceful and more self assured than I have in years. I have no hate against the world or how I am where I am, let alone who I am this very day. Someone even told me last night that I seem different. More confident and more self assured. I told them revenge has a way of focusing me. But I've been thinking on those words to utter from my lips last night. Sure a measure of deep seeded, longed for revenge against some imaginary or real slight is there and it has definitely set a clarity in my heart and pushed me from my self imposed exile. But I still don't know if revenge is the right word. I feel more like the term ascension or the culmination of experience would

It's dark in this room. The dark is where I feel the safest. It's also the place I feel the most conflicted. Everything I've ever done- wrong or right- is laid bare before my eyes in the dark. The images play across my eyes like an old movie. Some are in black and white. Others are full of color. Most make me laugh for I've been blessed so far in my life with good friends, great family and unforgettable memories. But the other ones, the dark memories, the times I've been at my lowest or haven't been the person I have long ago begun to grow into, those memories taunt me almost every night. They beg me to weep. On some nights I give in too. Other times I block them out or think on them thoughtfully. Being alone in the dark is the most empowering and frightful thing that I face daily. I am bare. I am naked to my own mind. I can never escape. And being alone is the right of passage of all men. We are born alone. We die alone. It is a gift and a tragedy. The ever pre

I could build a fountain and fill it with the tears I've made every girl cry. And I could build a second fountain with my own.  The pure of heart shed their tears for another, whether in love or in grief. I have given you your tears back. I have paid in full, and then some. "Oh, I am very weary. Though tears no longer flow; my eyes are tired of weeping. My heart is sick of woe." *quote by Anne Bronte.

We as people all wish for release, release from our pains, from our past mistakes, our obsessions and our addictions. We wish release from love, and our guilt, from friendships, and from responsibilities. We crave that cathartic experience. We crave that peace and balance it would bring to our lives. Yet each and every one of us hold on to something we long to release from our lives. No one is an exception. So we wander on. Some of us seek ways to fix this longing feeling, to make things as they were. And some of us seek to make things better than they were, for the past need not dictate the results of the future. 

Why are we as people always trying to kill time when time is all we have? We won't live forever. Our heart beats are finite. Any moment could be our last. Why do we waste our precious seconds in front of a screen that shows us images of the way we should be living? Where is our sense of urgency? Is it the condition of youthfulness that deceives us with a false sense of immortality? Is this why we leave the most important things on our minds an in our hearts for the next day, or the day after that? What would happen if we suddenly heard the silent clock of our lives begin to tick out loud? Why would we do? Are we the masters of our own fate or the robots of other faceless individuals that we sacrifice our lives, health, and happiness to in our belief that we can make a profit and ease the circumstances of our own mundane lives? What's really important? When will the silent clock master make himself heard?

The Next One So, it's been a year now since my last relationship. This is the longest time I've been single in my life since I've started dating. Shit, this is the longest time I've gone without sex. No booty calls, no nothing. My guy and girl friends have looked upon me in disbelief for the past year and have uttered phrases like, "You're joking" and "you're sure you're not gay?" I would calmly explain my case to them that I was tired of dating or that I just wasn't feeling this girl or that girl and so on. Recently I was reminded why I chose to go "celibate/dateless" for a year. You see, lately I've been running into this girl I use to date a few years back. I've only gone up to talk to her once but I always know when she is in the same room as me even after all this time. She may not see me or even notice me most times, but I always notice her. Seeing her again for the first time made me so nervous and even t

Why is it that as you become older you find it harder an harder to date? You meet new people and none of them feel right. Is it the standards past lovers have set within your mind , or is it your bodies natural instincts screaming NO! THIS IS NOT THE ONE FOR YOU?! Of the seven billion people on this earth how are you suppose to find the right one? How does love start in the first place? Is it achieved with just a glance or is that simply lust? Is it the comfort built over time that turns to love or is it simply a chemical reaction to the safe and familiar? How important is trust? Is it the end all be all factor, or can it be an insignificant idea that we have as humans put too much false belief in? Are we meant to be monogamous, sharing our lives with one other person, or are we meant to spread the seed and give into our baser instincts? What happens when love is lost and things don't work out the way you envisioned them to? Does time really heal all wounds, or does the passing of

I lack no love on my birthday, and yet I miss someone terribly. It says that time heals all wounds and that may be so, but the heartache increases ever more drastically. I wish you were still here like the way it use to be but better. I still got love for you, I thank you for breaking your silence, and I miss you like crazy.  -G.

Heart of stone covered in clover, when will the madness, this insatiable longing be over? I've fought for years and it's stronger than ever, it rules my world, perhaps I shall be rid of it never? This is not a way to live, wrapped in shadows and darkness. Is this all there is, an endless day of overcast clouds, a night ruled by the heartless? The answers I seek are nowhere to be found. I pray for this punishment to end for the sins abound. If I am stuck in my hell so private, I can survive but happiness, to thee I fear I shall never arriveth. The silence presses in with it's weighty stare. Tell me someone how did I go from here to there? How do I get to that place full of love and bliss? Tell me, what kind of life is this?

I close my eyes and see wicked things. I am haunted by the memories of feelings. I have become a recluse, social interactions have become a pain to me for all I desire is to look into your eyes once more and know that I am home.

To temper the sting of loneliness I have my patience and my faith. My  patience has been a blessing given through the tempest of fire and turmoil. My faith is what keeps me holding on, hoping for a love, a romance that eclipses the sun with its power.

Power is patience, practice and poetry. Perseverance pays against pitiful punks plotting to get you. Pleasure and pain proceed to make me less than peaceful. In my deadly brain I'm driven,destroying demented demons in the dark. Despicable cowards left from the ashes of my shadowed heart.  Society is insatiable for solutions to stay my scheming. Seeking to stop me from stacking green with a standard stipend.  Living like a leper, lonely and  low on dough. Liking the looks on our lamented faces. Feeding their greed, growing in gluttony. Get out of the sterile system, please save me . Strive to survive while stacking substance without the savagery is the story. Sticking to the system is susceptible slavery. Following your own feet free's the fledgling fortitude.  Fearlessness is the fruit of forbearance in your own face. No more negative negotiations in the night that never ends. Follow the fundamental formula for finding your future fortune.

I can hear you within the dark, I'm not as alone as I thought. How long have you been there keeping me with silent company? How long have you waited in the shadows for me? I hear your breath, the only breeze in the void. I hear the rhythmic pounding of a heart overjoyed.  What does this mean, your newfound presence? Tell me why you came to this shadowy place? What journey brought you to this land of twilights eternal embrace? I know you are there and that silence is often golden, but it's been so long since us two have spoken. Just one word, one syllable I pray. If you can not then stay for a little while for old times sake. Though I feel you in the darkness unbounded, you don't belong in its shadow for your light has yet to be charted. So set a course for the sunrise back home, and never fear, for you will never have to walk the darkness alone, my dear.

Lightning spits, the thunder crashes, my soul echoes in the heavenly symphony of powerful chaos. I am the storm and I am scared of the elemental power.

I see why I relate to the stories that end in separation and heartache so often and so openly as to bring unshed tears pooling within my eyes. I know that now, as I have always known, that my heart aches just as fiercely and as desperately, with it's incessant thundering beat and gut wrenching emotion, that I indeed am lonely and long for the day that I no longer wish to feel this way. 

It's not for me to decide what happens to you next, though I care for you, now you're a woman I only know through text. But I know I'd still head to the guillotine for you. I'd take any manner of harm just to show how much I adore you. Though we had our time, fate is cruel as I watch you from afar. Just know that I still got love for you, I hope you know how special you truly are. Loneliness is my only lover, solitude is now closer to me then my only brother. I've never known peace since you left your name tatted invisibly across my chest, undeniably  you're memory is a ghost one day I hope to put to rest. So God help me with my troubled soul, heal these broken wings, and find me a place to go, where I never knew your name, or your sweet embrace, no visions of us fucking, no pictures in my mind and thoughts of how your lips use to taste. My eyes are haunted from the looks that you gave me, and to think that I once believed you would have my baby. There are no wo

My mind is sometimes plagued, By things I never meant to say, Things I never meant to do,  But faced with the same choices, to save a life from darkness, I would still choose to tear myself in two. 

A growing boy with a tortured soul, As he gets older the nights get cold, What made no sense as a child rings as truth as man, Human greed is responsible for suffering, Crack, heroine, ecstasy and alcohol has the people rolling in the gutter, Greed and the endless struggle for means has the people born to die. Barley living, from 2-10, a life of innocence,  Everything that comes after, all the suffering as the child grows, is the man's means to an end.  Welfare, dead end jobs, long days of labour as you grow sap the life from your soul,  watch your petals drop from the flower you were, stunting your growth and stealing your soul. Humanity withers under the glare of the corporate sun. Compassion for a fellow human being dies with the endless money dreams, addicted to your Benz, trips, fueling on artificial gasoline. A product of the machine,  a cycle of endless schemes to acquire monetary means,  chasing the cash and wealth,  never realizing you're chasing the wrong green.

And so it was written and so it shall unfold, the banished one, by choice none other than his own, shall reclaim past passion and make a new story to be told. Within the depths of his secret escape shall he meet the one foretold. Heaven shall weep and the earth beneath his feet shall roll. Long in coming the first kiss in a new chapter shall summon his inner fire, past lies will be spread clean across the table, rescued he shall be from his private torment most dire.

I've been thinking of a way to write about the poverty I see within my own city and the poverty I've seen everywhere I've been. The thing I've realized is that there really is no poetic way to write about poverty. There is nothing poetic about digging through garbage day in and day out in search of a plastic bottle to sell. There is nothing romantic about watching a mother neglect her baby while she lights up her crack pipe on a  bus stop bench as the baby wails away. There is nothing artistic on sitting at a corner all day and begging for change then going to a shelter for a bit of free food and a place to sleep if the shelter isn't already full. There is nothing respectful of watching a race of people drink their days away, barley able to walk as the world swims within their vision, the alcohol numbing any and all pain, beating your wife or girlfriend with no remorse. There is nothing glorious about the desperation to make ends meet that people resort to the viole

In the last few days I've reconnected with two important parts of my past. One of these is a friend of mine with whom I've faced life and death with, a baller in sport and in his nature and most importantly a good man who deserves the world. The other is the girl I compare every girl I've ever met since her to. She set the standard. It's been a insane journey with both of these people, full of laughs, mistakes, and a fair share of heartbreak and pain. I find myself fortunate today to have them both in my life in their own ways. I can only hope the future holds good things for the both of them, and for myself as well. The world works in its own ways, and for this I am thankful for today.

Sometimes I worry about what comes next for me and for what struggle is waiting just around the corner. In my heart I know that  whether it is today, tomorrow, a few weeks, a few months or even a few years from now, I know I'll get everything I want, and more than I ever expected. Call it wishful thinking, call it blind faith, call it whatever you will, because sometimes I worry about what comes next, and the answer is within the test.

You can see the desperation in her eyes, you can see the truth behind her lies, you can see it in every tear she cries, every day apart kills her slowly inside. In her eyes the angeles weep, in the grips of her emotion the earth does creek, in the depths of the night she finds it hard to sleep, for every thought is of you, and all the memories she has to keep.  So in her eyes you'll see the farewell, the days of somber peace, the nights of living hell. She has left into a sweet slumber, dreaming of the sweeter things, the road to riches and the diamond rings. Don't mistake her for a ne'er-do-well, lazy and worthless in her being, or you might just blink, and miss all the amazing things she brings. 

You can see the desperation in her eyes, you can see the truth behind her lies, you can see it in every tear she cries, every day apart kills her slowly inside.

The music and a dark ceiling, The rustle of the branches in the wind, All parts of a strange feeling. Sleep is far off, in another time and place, The lyrics of a dead poet fill my ears and pour feeling into my heart, A cup overflowing, A mind ever learning and ever growing, Patience is a harsh lesson but here I am waiting on the outcome, Timing is everything, every move a calculated step, Some times it's a leap of faith, Sometimes I fall into a pit. My homie can't see his baby girl, Cruel some days is the world. If I could do something for him I would, He was the one by my side as a youth, The two bad boys up to no good. My attitude got me walking solo, 9 months and counting,  9 months actually amount to something, Patiently I wait, for the date, when my dream becomes fate.

I dreamed about you last night. You were wearing red. As we spoke I felt the feeling in my chest rise like a tide of molten flame. I wish I was still asleep.

To live our lives is but an expression of our yearning. What we yearn for I do not know, though I know it is like a great pain, buried so deep within our day to day functions that we as people can hardly acknowledge it, for we do not always feel its constant call. It is there though. No matter where you go or what you do. This yearning pushes us forward into action with its unending need and freezes us cold with fear as we try to take our first steps to satisfy its lust. I do not know why we yearn, though I do know that I am thankful that we do, for in the silence and loneliness of the night I know that one day I will find you, the cure to my yearning, and a life liven rich, full, and true.

What lies in the hearts of men? Are we all greedy and power hungry, hurting one another, or can we actually be friends? We look for the fast track to money, fame, a piece of pussy and play it all like its a game. What happened to self-consciousness and being self aware? What happened to showing another human being some love and care? I'm as guilty as you. To deny it would be untrue. But every day I try to show a bit of kindness to a stranger, with a smile, an ear that is ready to listen or just a nod as we pass by each other, two boats sailing the seas of life.  To my friends I try even harder, especially to those who have stabbed me with a knife. Though I may keep my distance I still try to let you. To not give you another chance would be a sin, but to get closer will take time. These are strange times, on the verge of my life. Struggling every day to find my way, do right, and make a bit of pay. Tomorrow will come after the dark, so I ask you what's in your heart?

Though he had to have two bites at the cherry, somehow he knew it was inevitable. Yet, his very nature made it improbable. It would never last, this mystery of the past, haunting and echoing like shattering crystal and breaking glass. He'd moved too fast, he was caught unprepared. Life's darkest moments held him fast. He was caught in the headlights, blinded by the beams, try as he might, there was nothing he could do it seems. So he made his choices, committed to his mistakes, and now the snake is headless, the ground at his feet no longer quakes. He found some small semblance of peace, a little freedom from his past, and still he goes on staring through the looking glass. Will it ever truly leave him, he can never be sure, the further he moves forward, the more his past becomes a blur. He felt it fade, but not disappear. He dug his own grave the moment he chose to hold her near. With great pain come great lessons that echo through out his life. To be better than who he was is

I'm not your angel. I ain't no saint. I'll never be your prince charming, frankly I fuck up and make a lot of mistakes. I can't take you shopping in  Milan and we can't ride a boat in Venice. I ain't really good, and I can sometimes be a menace.  If you could change one thing about me, I wish you'd keep that information to yourself.  I am who I am, and will discover it all by myself. I need to be the nerd, the science- fiction geek. I need to be the bad bad boy that crushes your heart and makes you weep. I need to be elusive and constant in one breath. I need to live my passions and do what I enjoy even if it leads to my death. I can love you and yet not be with you. Call me an asshole for it, and here is a tissue. I shall smoke my shisha and have my Hennessey and Coke. I shall poke fun of anyone in my sights for the sake of a good joke. If you can't get down with all my contradictions and the way I am, then you're just another  piece of cold carbon,

The better writer that I have become, the less that I have slept. The more self-aware that I have become, the more that I have wept. It takes a certain type of sickening obsession to delve into my inner most pain and passion every day. It takes a lunatic to visit this subject and imagine it in every single way. My past haunts me, it's former glory a ghoul in my mind. It whispers sultry tales in my ear, the tellings of a once glorious time. The pale echo of long ago spurs me forward, a flame eternal, an endless breath, a place from which I can not fully fast forward.  Every one of my defenses have been lowered, the guards at my gates stand battered. Only a shattered man trying to tell a tale that to him once mattered. In its telling hope springs anew, for in the story, I can release all worry and finally, and fully, let go, of you.

Though my heart runs crimson and cold, though my thoughts reach back to days that are now old, I feel no shame for thinking my thoughts, for I know one day the pain will stop. Please vote for the passage at: http://storymash.com/u/lionsheart24/doforide/

Though I watch a fictitious funeral on tv, I can feel the monster within me scream. I hear the wailing grief, I feel the blistering anger, the confusing denial and the sickening guilt. I cry, for I know that for someone, on this very day, where ever they may be, this is all too real, and I weep for for their pain. Please vote for this passage. Follow the link and vote at the bottom of he page: http://storymash.com/u/lionsheart24/devehone/

I still see her face in my dreams and a little part of me dies anew.  It's crazy how I still miss her from time to time; back when we started I wish that everything that had happened was something I already knew. I would have enjoyed it more, made every night a little sweeter, cause doing that would have made everyday after a little easier knowing that I couldn't keep her. Please vote on the bottom of the page at this link : http://storymash.com/u/lionsheart24/gamogile/

Hey folks. Please check out one of my old scenes on Storymash.com and vote for me at the bottom. Thanks to all who voted already, because of all of you I made the Featured Chapters on the front page. Please click on the link and vote: http://storymash.com/u/lionsheart24/kewudofe/

Drunk Arab nights, can only be called rambunctious. These people get crazy. It's funny how they are so respectable sober, yet put a drink in them and things get popping. America's funniest home videos aint got shit in this. It's nights like this that I've sorry missed.

I know too much and I know too little. The desires within me are tempered and yet too wild, like an ecosystem constantly shifting and changing. I am too young and inexperienced, yet too old and wise for much of anything to be a surprise, and yet I'm surprised all the same. Serene like a pool of water yet violent like an exploding volcano, my sense of peace is constantly fleeting, yet the peace I know comes from the familiar constant battle within. I spend long days working towards my future yet forgetting to live in the moment, but the moment in which I live builds the basis for my future. Stars twinkle within my eyes, and sun sets in a fiery death. The blackness encroaches on my soul, yet it still feels lighter than a feather and brighter when I let it glow. I am happy with who I am, yet sad all the same for the journey to who I want to be seems endless, a winding road I must travel alone. I have made many friends, yet lost just as much. My touch can be hotter than fire, but if tu

Is it so wrong to want someone that looks at you and see's into your soul and knows you for who you are? Is it wrong to want someone who knows you're worth the trouble and continues to fight the good fight? You gotta love when you try to make sense of life any way that you can. You gotta love looking in the mirror everyday and challenging yourself to be the best man that you can. Your biggest fan and your worse enemy looking back at you in your reflection. It's a strange world when the least important thing is doing well and the most important thing is holding on and lasting long enough to see yourself do well. The spirits so easily crushed even the toughest man call tell. I'm here cause everything's screwed up, yet it's better than ever. No one heals me like you, you hold the key. I'm so happy tonight cause I look at you and I see me, and I shall believe. 

Cut away the  part of me that has me trapped. You'll never understand it till you are caught beneath the weight. Even if we could be together what makes me think it could work? What's to say you're not the same or worse than all I've been with? Who knows. Guess I'll never know. There's been so many and so few. I'm thinking of stepping down, but who can quit while they still love the game? 8 years later and nothings really changed. Still fighting the good fight. Still failing as the sun fails and turns to night.  The words the heart say just get in the way of bodily satisfaction. Bodily satisfaction gets in the way of the truth the heart says. Neither wins and I live in sin with my self. Good vs. evil, angel vs. sinner, two in one, closer and further away than ever. That which is meant to be always finds its way to you in the end. But the end seems never near, the beginning is never clear. My dear, my dear, I ask you with a heart sincere. Show me the way to i

You know in dreams where you're trying to get somewhere but you can never really get there? That's what my life feels like most days. I wish I could wake up and get to where I'm going.

3 a.m. Time to dream. Time to get away. What happens when you can't close your eyes? What happens when the night hides your lies? Fear in disguise. Restless sighs. Sweet goodbyes... It's no surprise, that 3 a.m. comes alone now. Make a vow. Promise me this. You will not give a kiss if you can't put your all into this. For nothing is better than a disguise of something. I rather sit here and reminisce, than have something, then have it go away. Just another thing I sorely miss. What gibberish is this? Just cruel thoughts to this tin robot. The sea that see's in the light or dark. Blue or black. Red or green. Nothing is always as it seems. A diamond in the rough, a field of vivid dreams. Nothing is as it seems...

Watching the story play on the screen. Boy meets girl. All is perfect it seems. It starts off great, they have their first date, happiness is just around the corner. Then something goes awry, boy and girl say goodbye, a blaze of anger and pride neither can hide. Suddenly they know, together is better than alone, so one or the other takes a chance, and together their feelings they show. As the story winds down, as the curtains close shut, I realize I'm lonely, and still I trust the stupid feelings in my gut. I'm nothing but fucked.

Today I was asked by a friend what do I miss most since I've been single for so long. That question took me by surprise. I said I don't miss a thing... But thinking about it I miss the late night talks. I miss the sweet kisses of  someone who loves me with all they are. I miss it all.

Unreciprocated has become the norm between you and I. It sucks, I ain't gonna lie. What am I gonna do? Keep moving forward and ignore the visions in my head of us two. 

Have you ever wondered how we got to this? All past in the blink of an eye, yet it seems like forever. Digging through the past while searching for a future. The present only lasts a second, the clock ticks so do what you do and don't regret it. It's not about him. It's not about her. It's about me, always has been. I'll be seeing ya, for my fortune is fine. My visions become reality on a full sea open and blue. Goodnight, goodnight, wait for the sweet whisper of I love you.