My Deepest Desire

As a man it's fundamentally important that you should feel secure when you're alone. You need to be cool with the feeling. You got to be your own best company.

I've always been good at being alone and I spend a lot of time by myself. This is how I recharge. Lately though, being alone-for lack of a better term- is lonely as hell. Where ever I go I see couples holding hands, kissing and just enjoying one another's company. God do I miss that. So bad. It's eating away at me bit by bit. I feel this insatiable hunger for someone to share my everyday with. I'm ok with being vulnerable, but I just can't open up to anyone in that way anymore. I haven't dated or slept with anyone in a year now. My closest friends know this. I can not connect with women on that level these days. It's not that I can't, or am incapable. I even meet lots of people with a good majority of them being girls. I really thought that when school started that I could finally meet a girl that amazed and dazzled me as the memory of one girl always has. I just can't though. Every woman is so plain. One is the same as the other. I also told myself that I would not have sex with a girl again until it was one I was into. Sex is so easy. Romance and that special black magic is rare. I truly understand how rare it is now. When my friends would ask me about my decision I just usually laugh it off and say I probably would have sex even if I wasn't into the girl. Yet, I know that is a lie. I have every intention of sticking to that. No matter how much it makes me suffer. This is why I stay up at night. This is why I can't sleep. I lay in bed and wonder will I ever have that feeling of reckless love again?

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm so tired of feeling this way.