Phone Calls
Laying back in bed I already know its one of those nights where I'm going to question everything in an around my life. I guess I could attribute it to two of my close friends who called me today to share some news of their own lives.
The first, my best friend since high school and one of the few people in this world who is so kind hearted and sweet that you could never wish any harm on him, called to tell me that he lost his job today. He said to me, "I'm just so tired of searching. I look and look and I can never find [a job] I am happy in. I spent all that time in university, I killed myself for that degree and its basically useless. I got a job with it and in the field I studied, but I either hate it or something happens that I have to look for a new job. I'm just tired." After much talking and some reassurances, planning, and honest advice on my part, we came up with a plan for him to follow and parted with him in slightly better spirits than when he contacted me.
The other, my friend and personal hair stylist, called me later in the day to tell me that she got engaged last night. I am truly happy for her. I can hear it in her voice how excited and ecstatic she is. I know she'll make wonderful wife [and totally gives the worlds greatest massages! I once saw her give a massage to a gay dude and he totally popped a boner! Magic hands indeed! Her fiancée is a lucky guy].
The news from both my friends really sent me on a contemplative odyssey with no profound eureka moment. I can't help but think how I can relate to my best friend and how "tired" he is of it all. I'm tired as hell. I'm tired of just getting by on shitty retail jobs. I'm tired some days of working my through school to a degree I knew from the get go was useless. I'm really just there in reality to learn certain skills in writing to help me continue towards my goal of becoming a [hopefully successful] published novelist. The degree is just a nice bonus I can show my family and say "Here it is. I did it." The degree is really more important to them as none of them ever went to university and I know how much they struggled in coming to this country. They gave up a lot and continue to do so. I owe them at least that much. I'm tired of trying to establish myself in this life as an independent, and successful adult. Some days it feels like I'm going backwards. Moving back in to my mom's house was practical, but hard as hell. Some days it's just hard to be here. I love and respect my mom, but all the rules and the friction our opposing views and attitudes cause can be wearing at times. I'd love to be out on my own again. I'm tired of being single. I want a girlfriend. I miss being closely connected to women on that level and I miss truly being in love. I've only felt that way once and since then with any women I've met it's been a nonentity. Speaking of women, it is getting ridiculously hard to meet any remotely interesting women. I meet a lot, especially now that I'm back in school. I even know when they are interested in me and I know what to do of I feel like pursuing them or even just sleeping with them. But I find them all so plain. Many of them are immensely attractive physically and are also interesting people. They just don't attract me on the level that really matters to me. Plenty of quantity. Severe lack of quality [in my own personal opinion].
I know I'm just dealing with all of the things any person my age would have to deal with. I'm just tired, and its getting harder to get some rest if you know what I mean.
The first, my best friend since high school and one of the few people in this world who is so kind hearted and sweet that you could never wish any harm on him, called to tell me that he lost his job today. He said to me, "I'm just so tired of searching. I look and look and I can never find [a job] I am happy in. I spent all that time in university, I killed myself for that degree and its basically useless. I got a job with it and in the field I studied, but I either hate it or something happens that I have to look for a new job. I'm just tired." After much talking and some reassurances, planning, and honest advice on my part, we came up with a plan for him to follow and parted with him in slightly better spirits than when he contacted me.
The other, my friend and personal hair stylist, called me later in the day to tell me that she got engaged last night. I am truly happy for her. I can hear it in her voice how excited and ecstatic she is. I know she'll make wonderful wife [and totally gives the worlds greatest massages! I once saw her give a massage to a gay dude and he totally popped a boner! Magic hands indeed! Her fiancée is a lucky guy].
The news from both my friends really sent me on a contemplative odyssey with no profound eureka moment. I can't help but think how I can relate to my best friend and how "tired" he is of it all. I'm tired as hell. I'm tired of just getting by on shitty retail jobs. I'm tired some days of working my through school to a degree I knew from the get go was useless. I'm really just there in reality to learn certain skills in writing to help me continue towards my goal of becoming a [hopefully successful] published novelist. The degree is just a nice bonus I can show my family and say "Here it is. I did it." The degree is really more important to them as none of them ever went to university and I know how much they struggled in coming to this country. They gave up a lot and continue to do so. I owe them at least that much. I'm tired of trying to establish myself in this life as an independent, and successful adult. Some days it feels like I'm going backwards. Moving back in to my mom's house was practical, but hard as hell. Some days it's just hard to be here. I love and respect my mom, but all the rules and the friction our opposing views and attitudes cause can be wearing at times. I'd love to be out on my own again. I'm tired of being single. I want a girlfriend. I miss being closely connected to women on that level and I miss truly being in love. I've only felt that way once and since then with any women I've met it's been a nonentity. Speaking of women, it is getting ridiculously hard to meet any remotely interesting women. I meet a lot, especially now that I'm back in school. I even know when they are interested in me and I know what to do of I feel like pursuing them or even just sleeping with them. But I find them all so plain. Many of them are immensely attractive physically and are also interesting people. They just don't attract me on the level that really matters to me. Plenty of quantity. Severe lack of quality [in my own personal opinion].
I know I'm just dealing with all of the things any person my age would have to deal with. I'm just tired, and its getting harder to get some rest if you know what I mean.
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